Please read this in Liev Schreiber’s voice that he uses on Hard Knocks:
It’s late April and spring has sprung. The weather grows warm and muggy as pollen fills the air – it’s blooming season, a time when hope, like the dew-covered grass that sprouts from our yards, springs eternal. For NFL franchises, another type of growth is happening: it’s time to grow their rosters in the most hopeful way: by drafting new talent in the annual Player Selection Meeting for the National Football League.
It’s the 2022 NFL Draft, and Nerd Nexus is live-blogging for the second year in a row – last year was a blast (and I got a lot of picks correct), so let’s party! I’ll be live-blogging my random NFL thoughts and “analysis” as I slam alcohol and giggling at the rich people make mistakes on live TV. Remember JIMMY CLAUSEN!?!? HAHAAHA
Once again, for the second year in a row, JACKSONVILLE, YOU’RE ON THE CLOCK!!!
6:39 CST: WE’RE BACK BABBBBYYY! As has become custom (since way back in…like 2017), the 2022 NFL Draft will be held in a new city this year, and what better place to win the NFL Lottery than LAS VEGAS! It’s home to the nearly All-New Las Vegas Raiders and is a perfect fit for NFL-levels of excess and debauchery. Just look at that god awful mock-up of the stage setup! I can’t wait to see this thing as Goodell walks across this thing – at least now he’s got a moat to keep the rabid fans at bay.
6:47 CST: I got home from a ridiculous day at work and the first thing I did was started this blog, so I need to take off my pants & jacket and maybe crack open a White Claw or somethin’ – while I do that, I’m pondering what Jacksonville is about to do. PREDICTION FORTHCOMING!
6:54 CST: Drink in-hand and our Football Hero Joel Klatt (Joel Klatt) is onscreen – we’re in business!
6:58 CST: Wait so they didn’t do the floating stage at the Bellagio?? Or what? What’s happening? OH NO THERE IT IS – THE BROADCAST IS LIVE AND THEY’RE IN THE POOL – WE SWIMMIN!
7:02 CST: I’m sure Goodell will be out to start the ceremonies soon, so it’s time to throw out a thought on the first pick – of course, Jacksonville snagged Sunshine with the 2021 first pick and then proceeded to have the most preposterous season ever (looking at you, Urban), so they’re back on the clock with #1 again. The fair money is on JAC picking Michigan DE Aidan Hutchinson, but if I were the GM, I’d be trying to protect that shiny new quarterback. A smart thing to do would be to draft a potential franchise Left Tackle. Ikem Ekwonu or maybe even Evan Neal would be a great choice, but of course Jacksonville will screw this up and probably draft a corner or whatever.
7:04 CST: Julianne (of Movie Quest Fame) said “why do they boo him?” BECAUSE HE FINED CEEDEE LAMB FOR HIS CLEATS! AMONG OTHER THINGS!
7:17 CST: THE PICK IS IN!
7:18 CST: HAHAAHAH OMG WOW – Jesus, I love it. Jacksonville has picked Georgia DE Travon Walker with the first overall pick and I’ll be DAMNED if the draft hasn’t already been thrown into chaos! Look, I’m sure he’ll be fine, but I don’t think ANYBODY saw this as the first pick. Oh shit…DETROIT’S PICK!!!
7:24 CST: Hear that sound? That was literally everyone in the state of Michigan cumming because AIDAN HUTCHINSON IS STAYING IN THE MITT! Amazing. What a coup. I bet everyone in the DET metro area was crossing their fingers for this scenario. Texans are on the clock!
7:27 CST: Derek Stingley Jr. of LSU goes to the Texans, which sure is a bizarre choice considering their identity as a franchise right now consists of a Racist Owner and a shitshow of a QB situation. You’re telling me your new CB is the face of the franchise? Weird. Stingley is a badass, but weird pick.
7:30 CST: Jets are once again picking in the top 5 and I mean…I guess they go with Evan Neal here? They’ve got their franchise quarterback and a great young LT, so they’re either gonna reinforce that O-line or grab Kayvon Thibodeaux from Oregon to spice up that Defensive Line. THE PICK IS IN!
7:34 CST: SAUCY PICK – ok, fair enough. Ahmad “Sauce” Gardner is apparently a generational talent at CB, and to that end, I guess it’s 6 of one, half dozen of another between him and Thibodeaux. So with the Giants on the clock for the next pick and no clear replacement for generic-ass Daniel Jones, I figure NYG go with Thibodeaux or Evan Neal or one of the top tackles.
7:39 CST: THE PICK IS IN and it issss…….my wife really hates that Booger McFarland’s name is “Booger” and she cringes when it’s said on air…who is this fucking nerd next to Goodell?? God, I hate these draft Bits. He’s pumping those arms so I guess the heart transplant worked out.
7:42 CST: THIBODEAUX. Got ’em.
7:47 CST: Very interesting that no offensive skill players have come off the board. I suspect our first WR pick is coming shortly – probably Garrett Wilson from OSU. Not to Panthers though – I guess they go OL or DE.
7:50 CST: Carolina grabs Ikem Ekwonu, the LT from NC State. Dude was a badass in college and he seems poised to be a Pro Bowler for the next decade. Does this help Darnold stop seeing ghosts? Likely not, but you can’t knock this pick.
7:53 CST: Damn the hated NYG are back on the clock and they’re definitely taking Neal, right?
7:55 CST: Yep. Damnit, as a Cowboys fan, I’m not thrilled to have to deal with both Thibodeaux and Neal for the next 5+ years. Giants having a solid draft as potential Pro Bowlers slide to them.
Falcons are on the clock and I called their pick last year, but I have NO IDEA what they do now. Also, I literally just learned that Matthew Ice is on the Colts. Again, no clue what’s about to happen.
8:01 CST: There’s the first WR, USC’s Drake London. I don’t have any clue who will be throwing the football to him or Kyle Pitts, but uhh, cool! Good work! Hopefully he doesn’t have a meltdown like the last WR drafted in the first round by the Atlanta Falcons. 😐
SEATTLE ON THE CLOCK!
8:03 CST: We’re kinda flyin right? It’s been less than an hour since the first pick was made and we’re already at #9 – interesting.
8:07 CST: Man I can’t imagine a Russ-less Seahawks squad. Is the first QB about to be snagged? I doubt it, but…maybe? If so, Kenny Pickett?
8:09 CST: Cross my heart and hope to die, the Seahawks have drafted the person that will protect whoever will throw the ball for them.
8:11 CST: JETS AGAIN! I’d bet cash the second WR is about to come off the board.
8:15 CST: And there ya go, it’s Garrett Wilson of Ohio State – one of two badass WR’s from OSU. Good pick from the Jets – they haven’t even screwed up once in this draft! Saints on the clock – will they snag Desmond Ridder to replace Drew Brees? Malik Willis? Kenny Pickett?
8:27 CST: Olave is the pick for the Saints, and I guess that’s fine? I have no idea who is even on the Saints anymore besides Alvin Kamara and Jameis. And damn, the Lions are back in the Top 15 – what are they up to?? Gotta be offense, right?
8:37 CST: Sorry, got distracted, what happened?!?! The Lions snagged a very tall, very fast WR and now the fuckin’ EAGLES have moved up!?!? Here’s that WR run that we all anticipated!
8:40 CST: Oh here come more Bits – got a bunch of kids on stage for the the pick from the Least Friendly Town in America…and the pick is….
8:41 CST: Oh great, a GIGANTIC DEFENSIVE TACKLE for our NFC East Rivals. Jeez, this man is very large. Jordan Davis is an impressive specimen. The Ravens are now on the clock and their pick is in and I’m sure it’s George Karlaftis, who is the most Baltimore pick imaginable.
8:46 CST: A SAFETY!?!!? Come on bro. Guy’s too handsome to be a safety – Ed Reed he is not. Anybody remember Taylor Mays, USC Safety? Look him up – never did shit in the NFL.
TEXANS ARE ON THE CLOCK – let’s watch this clown show screw this up.
8:50: This package from ESPN comparing Kyle Hamilton to Jalen Ramsey & Isaiah Simmons is…insulting to them both?
8:51 CST: Damn…Kenyon Green goes to the Texans – lots of folks thought Green would slide to the Cowboys at #24, but clearly that is not the case – very interesting. Bit of a reach for Houston? Maybe, but I think it’s a safe pick. There are probably better prospects on the board (Zion Johnson?) but I guess they went and got their guy, and he gets to stay close to home.
8:52 CST: Apparently there is a team called the Commanders? And they’re on the clock?
8:58 CST: My wife often asks me “what happens if a guy goes to a team that he doesn’t want to be on?” and I say to her “Well…that’s showbiz, babe!” Must really suck to work your ass off for years for it to culminate with being drafted by the most dirtbag organization in (arguably) all of professional American sports. Sorry bout that, Dotson.
9:00 CST: Man the picks are flying! I would thought the Chargers would go with a wide receiver, but nope, they instead opt to protect Justin HayBear by picking Zion Johnson. Can’t argue, can you? Note: I almost typed “Williamson” for his last name.
9:05 CST: So it would seem that Hollywood Brown is going to the Eagles, but with Jalen Hurts “throwing” to him, I sleep. TITANS ON THE CLOCK.
9:06 CST: Ah yes, that makes sense: the TItans just pulled a Chiefs by trading their star WR and then immediately replacing him with a cheaper guy (albeit, obviously, not as skilled) at the same position. Kudos to the Titans – Burkes looks like a badass. And, Brown will be a Free Agent after this season! The Eagles are idiots!!!
SAINTS BACK ON THE CLOCK!
9:08 CST: This is worth nothing at all, but I REALLY hope Karlaftis is there for the Cowboys in 5 picks…starting to get hopeful…
9:12 CST: Bold talk from the Air Force to talk about bringing air power anywhere in the world. Meanwhile, Ukraine over here like “got any of them bombs for us??” OKAY POLITICAL TALK IS OVER.
9:14 CST: Sorry I was distracted by Takes, but it seems the Saints have taken the Bad Boy of the draft, Nasty Trevor Penning from Northern Iowa. Guy’s a menace and plays with a ridiculous edge, as in, he’s gonna draw some flags for after-the-whistle shenanigans. I guess ya like to see that from a mauling LT, but nobody wants another Richie Incognito – that dude was the WORST.
9:16 CST: I think the Steelers are either gonna grab a QB or Karlaftis.
9:19 CST: WOWWWWW there it is, our first QB. He PLAYED at PITT and now he will just, like, change his commute? But will he have hands strong enough to carry the weight of being the Steelers QB?
9:21 CST: oh god oh god oh god oh god – Karlaftis is an extremely New England player as well. Belichick loves generic white guys – this seems like fate. DON’T DO IT BILL!
9:22 CST: WHOA!!! Kansas City has drafted up!!! They’re absolutely about to replace Tyreek, aren’t they? George Pickens?
9:26 CST: CURVEBALL! Whomst the heck is Trent McDuffie?? Checking my sources…I’m seeing a first round grade from my Sports Leader Bob Sturm at The Athletic, so…I guess that’s fine?
PACKERS ON THE CLOCK!!! Gotta be offense, right? A WR?
9:29 CST: Damn, Baltimore is right there in front of us and Karlaftis is still there…oh god…oh god…
9:30 CST: Here we go…Packers select…Quay Walker! Oh i’m sure Rogers is thrilled. BALTIMORE IS UP, COWBOYS ARE ON DECK.
9:31 CST: THAT’S BUFFALO’S MUSIC!!! BALTIMORE TRADES BACK – IT’S BUFFALO AND THEY”RE LOOKING FOR A SUPER BOWL. WHO WILL HELP THEM GET THERE?!?!
9:35 CST: Man, this Bills pick has taken a while, but it’s in…here we go…I could see it being one of the two ILB’s that are on the board…let’s see…
9:36 CST: IT’S NOT KARLAFTIS! It’s some other guy! COWBOYS ON THE CLOCK!!! HERE WE GO FOLKS!!! Will it be Karlaftis? Will it be Nakobe Dean? Devin Lloyd? The Iowa C Linderbaum? Jermaine Johnson??
9:42 CST: IT’S IN…WHOMST IS IT?!?!?
9:48 CST: Listen.
9:49 CST: Look.
9:51 CST: It’s not that I hate the pick. I mean, I’m on record saying that I didn’t want a WR or any offensive skill position. I wanted a non-sexy pick. But this? This is…deeply unsexy. My man Bob Sturm has a Round 3 grade on Tyler Smith. That’s…tough. I don’t know what to say. Karlaftis and Linderbaum and Dean and Lloyd and others were ALL THERE! This seems like one hell of a reach…I’d say I trust Jerry, but last year’s 2nd Rounder was a murder suspect last week…
9:52 CST: And of course, Linderbaum goes to the Ravens with the next pick…damn. You’re telling me Tyler Smith is better than this guy? I feel like Baltimore just swiped a Hall of Famer from us – ugh. I’m sticking around for the next few picks because, ya know, the only other thing I’ve got to do is WATCH THE MAVS PLAYOFF GAME!
OH SHIT THE DAMN J-E-T JETS JETS JETS ARE BACK!
9:58 CST: Okay so there’s the pick – it’s Jermaine Johnson, who maybe had some character issues or something? I wonder why a guy like him slid so far – RIGHT PAST THE COWBOYS! Damn, the Jets have had a great draft.
THE JAGS ARE BACK!!!
10:03 CST: My all-time favorite commercial is the Dior commercial starring Charlize Theron featuring “Flashing Lights” by Kanye. The full-length version is incredible. Pure cinema.
10:06 CST: And there goes Devin Lloyd. I feel like…mistakes were made. I am not feeling great about this draft.
10:08 CST: The thing that just crossed my mind is “could we somehow trade back into the first round here pretty quick and snag one of the guys I was hoping to get at 24?” I am delusional. Time for another drink.
Folks, I think that’s it. I think i’m done here – if you read this, thanks! I won’t be blogging this draft anymore, as I will be pining for George Karlaftis in my videogaming room and sipping booze. Hopefully we find some value on Friday and over the weekend.
12:17 AM CST: One final thought: There’s a great chance that Smith becomes a great player, even a Pro Bowler, if he’s our new LG, but I just can’t stop reading this from The Athletic: