Ahhhhh yes, it’s time once again for that time-honored tradition: the annual Player Selection Meeting for the National Football League. That’s right, the 2021 NFL Draft is upon us – let’s live-blog it!
After being confined to the sad, sad, online-only draft last year, the NFL has made sure that it’s off-season bell cow is live and in-person this year; right at the top of the show, our announcers are making sure we’re aware that players and Commissioner Roger Goodell! are all vaccinated. Let the awkward power-hugging and chest bumping begin!
Jacksonville, you’re on the clock!
7:13 CST: Goodell, our ding-dong of a leader, is on-stage and he’s just getting decimated by the crowd. The Cleveland faithful are just killin’ him. To keep the crowd subdued, they’ve rolled out a few CLE legends out there – the crowd is chanting “BER-NIE, BER-NIE” for Kosar, who is lookin’ good.
7:15 CST: Oh my god…they have the Throne! The fart-filled old leather chair from Goodell’s basement last year, and apparently the plan is…to…bring a random fan up to sit in it during the pick? Ah yes, why not, right? Why not mingle the crowd with the on-stage talent? It’s not like THERE’S STILL A PANDEMIC!
7:17 CST: THE JAGS ARE ON THE CLOCK!
7:18 CST: Seriously, why didn’t the Jags turn this pick in immediately?? The pick is 100% going to be Lawrence and we’ve known it for months.
7:20 CST: Julianne is watching alongside me and she’s very intrigued by Trevor Lawrence. “Oh, look at this guy’s hair!” “Yeah babe…it’s Trevor Lawrence…he’s…kind of a superstar.” She has noted that his hair has incredible flow. She is also intrigued by the lady at his arm, who I accurately noted is not actually Lawrence’s girlfriend, but his WIFE! Dude locked it down – you won’t hear stories about him out at the club at 2:00 AM. He’s focused on winning Superbowls. There will not be a Ceedee Lamb-like situation in the Lawrence household during this draft.
7:25 CST: Are we really going to run this clo….THE PICK IS IN!
Did we ever think otherwise?
7:26 CST: The poor, poor J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets…what can we even say about this team that hasn’t already been said?? Isn’t it remarkable how many quarterbacks they’ve drafted in the Top 10 in the last 20 years? Unreal. They’ve just ruined Darnold – let’s see who else they can ruin next.
7:30 CST: As our friend Booger notes, this is a train wreck waiting to happen simply because Zach Wilson is a simple, humble, pleasant Christian boy from Utah, and he’s going to go play QUARTERBACK IN NEW YORK CITY FOR THE MOST TOXIC FANBASE IN THE NFL. Yeah, great plan. Poor kid.
7:33 CST: It’s done. Zach Wilson, the Jet. I mean…look at this kid:
7:35 CST: San Fran is on the clock and now the draft REALLY begins.
7:37 CST: the Niners, as we know, moved up from the mid picks to Third Overall – with Jimmy G’s status up in the air, it seems clear that the pick will be a QB. There’s a ton of buzz around Alabama QB Mac Jones, but…no way, right? Justin Fields and Trey Lance seem like a much better fit in that Kyle Shanahan offense. I just can’t believe it’s Jones. Let’s see…the pick is in.
7:42 CST: Trey Lance! What we heard was right – the 49’ers were running smokescreen the whole time. As the dudes on The Ticket said the other day, they were doing a Costanza: trying to make the other teams think you’re going to do the opposite of what you’re going to do, but then you do the opposite of that. Brilliant!
7:44 CST: Atlanta is on the clock now, and I just have no idea what they’ll do, but I suspect they’re going to try to go for it one more time with Matthew Ice, and if that’s the case, I think they grab Kyle Pitts here and hope they can run up the score in what will be a Drew Brees-less NFC South.
7:49 CST: I’M THROWIN ROCKS TONIGHT DONNIE! Kyle Pitts is a freak, he’s the fastest kid alive. He’s enormous, he’s got incredible strength, he’s a matchup nightmare, and now he’s linked up with Julio Jones, Calvin Ridley, and Matt Ryan – the Falcons are fully acknowledging that they’re not going to be able to stop Tom Brady, so they’re going to try to outscore him.
7:52 CST: Let’s throw it over to sideline reporter Suzie Kolber to check in on…Joe Burrow? Oh yeah, he’s still walking gingerly because he got his ACL shredded in his rookie season. Great stuff. With that said, the Bengals would be idiotic to not choose Penei Sewell, right? The guy’s a generational talent and a BRAWLER…Burrow would be luck to have this guy watching his back for the next 10 years.
8:01 CST: I had to walk Julianne down to her car – she’s leaving for Palm Springs, CA for her Bachelorette Party Weekend! – so I missed the CIN pick, but apparently I was wrong! I cannot hate the Chase pick here though; he and Burrow had lots of chemistry at LSU, so ok, I get it. The Bengal remains a Bengal, and look for Cincy to grab some offensive lineman with their next few picks.
8:03 CST: Dolphins are the pick now, and I’m guessing either Jaylen Waddle or Sewell.
8:04 CST: Folks, i’m typing this as I go and hitting the update button and keeping it rolling – i’m not going back and editing, so any guesses or commentary I make will stand as-is. If I’m right, great, if not wrong, well it was fun.
8:04 CST: Nailed it – same situation as the Cincy pick; they’re pairing up Tua with his former college receiver Jaylen Waddle. Dude’s a crazy talent IF HE’S HEALTHY. Very physical, with a high top speed.
8:06 CST: The Lions are on the clock, and I have no idea. Sewell, I guess? To protect their definitively non-Matt Stafford QB – that’s my guess.
8:07 CST: Just opened up my first alcoholic beverage of the evening: a Bud Light Seltzer, Mango flavored.
8:11 CST: Nailed it. Penei Sewell. Makes a ton of sense…dude’s gonna be a Hall of Famer.
8:13 CST: Carolina is now on the clock, and I’m up in the air here…could be OL Slater from Northwestern to keep Darnold from seeing ghosts. I could also see a WR like Devonta Smith, a CB like Surtain, or even the Luke Keuchly-replacement, Micah Parsons. Matt Rhule is typically a defense-first guy, so I wouldn’t be shocked if they take the first defensive player in the draft.
8:15 CST: Boy I really hope Surtain is there for the Cowboys at 10. PLEASE GAWD.
8:17 CST: Carolina’s pick is in…it is…JAYCEE HORN!!! WOW! WOW! Surtain is NOT the first corner! I mean…I figured it might be defense, but damn. Horn was definitely rising in the rankings over the course of the last few weeks, but DAMN, what a coup! Good for him! Dallas has got to be so, so happy right now.
8:19 CST: No clue what Denver does here…Justin Fields? They JUST traded for Teddy Bridgewater, though, so I dunno…is Teddy their guy? Or is he a…bridge…over troubled…water? I’ve now talked myself into thinking it’s either Fields or Rashawn Slater – this pick is a referendum on what their plans are for the next 3-5 years.
8:22 CST: I’m so in for the Loki series. That’s the kind of weird shit i’m lookin’ for.
8:24 CST: Mac Jones is so gonna be a Patriot.
8:25 CST: Broncos seem to have turned a pick in…it is…NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! DAMNIT! NO! It was so close! I wanted this dude to be a Cowboy so bad. So what the hell does Dallas do now?? Parsons? Slater???? It better be a defensive player or I swear to god….
8:29 CST: A TRADE!!! WHO IS IT!?!?
8:30 CST: THE FKN EAGLES?!?! They’re gonna pick Fields and he’s gonna terrorize us for a decade.
8:32 CST: The stress is killing me. Cowboys got the 12th overall pick, and then another 3rd rounder, which is nice. I can live with this, as long as whoever the Eagles pick sucks.
8:36 CST: Ah yes, Devonta Smith…when has a small, fast Philly receiver ever haunted the Cowboys’ dreams?
8:41 CST: Holy shit, the Bears are on the clock on at 11 – HUGE trade! Lots of picks exchanged – gotta be Justin Fields, right?
8:42 CST: The Bears select Justin Fields! Yep. It felt pre-ordained. Pretty huge. Fields is a badass and I’m quite shocked he slid as far as he did. THE COWBOYS ARE ON THE CLOCK!!! I’m thinking Parsons, but I honestly have zero clue.
8:48 CST: DALLAS’ PICK IS IN!
8:49 CST: THE DALLAS COWBOYS HAVE SELECTED…Keyshawn is right, this better be a defensive pick…
8:50 CST: MICAH PARSONS! HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!
But this…kinda…kinda interesting considering that we just paid Jaylon Smith on his extension…jeez.
9:00 CST: The Chargers are on the clock and man, Rashawn Slater sure is smiling in the Green Room. Makes a ton of sense to protect Justin Herbert.
9:02 CST: It’s Slater. Sharp suit – seems like a cool guy. Whoa! The Jets have moved up to 14! There must’ve been somebody they really liked. Eh…i’m sure they’ll screw it up.
9:10 CST: Zach Wilson has got to be thanking his lucky stars that the Jets have drafted an Offensive Lineman. I have never known a time when the Jets were even close to a respectable football team, and while we seem no closer to that being the case, this is likely a step in the right direction.
9:14 CST: Here comes that Mac Jones pick for the Patriots. It’s a LOCK.
9:17 CST: Money. Man…this dude is extremely a Patriot. I have never seen a whiter family than his.
Ok, that’s it! I’m done!
I’ve finished my Bud Light Seltzer and it’s time to pour a glass of the brown – I’m going to go watch tape of Micah Parsons and try to figure out if I’m happy or not.