Rejoice, Internet! For the moment some people have apparently been waiting for is here: the first trailer for F9 has dropped. And man, it is…a trailer for a movie.

Before you even press play, there are lots of notes that one can gather from static image on the front of the trailer:

  • Don’t worry about the rumors of Fat Vin Diesel that have floated around for a while – he’s back, and he’s in great shape.
  • Also back: Nick Carter’s Backstreet Boys bowlcut, but this time on Charlize Theron.
  • Han is still alive?
  • Ludicrous, who’s transition from rapping to acting to action superstar seems to be nearly complete.
  • Tyrese, Jordana Brewster, and Missandei are all very concerned about something.
  • I will never forget about the time that Michelle Rodriguez’s handlers told her to sound like she’s “one of the guys” in an interview about videogames and she made a fool of herself. #HeavyMetalGearSolid
  • The rainbow-colored smoke in the background leads my detective brain to conclude that a terrorist is turning the planet into one giant Fun Run and that the Fast Crew must stop him before, ya know, time runs out or whatever.
  • There will be JETS AND ATTACK HELICOPTERS AND DUNE BUGGIES AND WHAT APPEARS TO BE A #TANKBUS.
  • Yes, I saw John Cena, but something something he’s invisible

All of this is burying the lede here: they’re still making these movies?

Apparently aware of the memes and jokes that have spawned from the franchise’s ridiculous titles, we’re now just rolling with the letter “F” and a number to designate the particular installment; this nomenclature suggests, rightly, that nobody who actually watches these will know which actual movie they’re watching. “Is that the one with the bank vault being towed down the street?” “No, this is the one Charlize Theron shows up for the first time. Oh wait, no, this is the one where Vin Diesel pulls a helicopter out of the sky.”

The cherry on top is “The Fast Saga” under the title. Why are we rebranding this franchise into a “saga” nine mainline movies in? Well, that’s exactly the point, presumably: they’re setting us up for spin-offs. Maybe one day, after Vin Diesel is no longer fast, we’ll get a “Slow Saga” or maybe even a “School Zone Saga.”

Originally slated for release pre-Pandemic, F9 will be out, err somewhere, on June 25.

Editor-in-Chief & Founder of Nerd-Nexus.com

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